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Apr 24

Getting married vs Staying married

white flowerThe Word Is… April 2015 edition

Getting married and staying married

The big day comes after months or years of planning. Money well spent…or maybe not. You have gone through the dilemma of choosing napkins, colors, friends and family to participate in the big day. You have made goo goo eyes over coffee and kissed under the haze of the marital bliss that is to come. You have taken classes and advise, lost sleep at night due to family drama and ideas pushed upon you that you never wanted for your wedding day. You have gotten married!

Some say if you can get through planning a wedding you can get through marriage.

 

But what about those that just run down to the courthouse? Are they doomed to failure? What about the exceptional planner, the responsible couple that work together make a budget, have all the support and finance that they need to have a seamlessly executed well planned wedding day…are they necessarily destined to marriage success? People in banking have a saying, ‘the bigger the wedding the more likely the couple is to divorce.’  From your own life experiences, what have you seen to be true?

Check out this article from the Business Insider

You have married your “one”  Perhaps for love, perhaps because you were always best friends. Or maybe because it was expected, or you wanted to be aligned with a certain type of person. Maybe they promised to meet you half way, Or take care of you for the rest of your life. It could have felt right… down to your soul or maybe it was a crazy whirlwind romance that seemed perfect and destined to be like a fairytale…with you living happily ever after.

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You planned the perfect wedding day with every desire you ever imagined or maybe you snuck off and travelled halfway around the world for a destination wedding or eloped to the local beach for the most heartfelt weekend of vows and words and actions of love that a weekend off from work would allow. Perhaps your whole wedding day was a disaster or the reality was no where near what you expected your day to be. Perhaps all of the little sacrifices made it seem like someone else day instead of your own. Looking back now with love, regret, laughter or wishful sighs….you own it

And now you are married…

You both made promises but somewhere along the line one or both of you changed. Broke one of your marital promises. Suffered a loss that was such an emotional toll you could not find your way back to each other. One or both of you had a wandering eye and acted upon that curiosity. Made little sacrifices along the way that are in no way a reflection of who you are as a couple, as a person. This is not your life, it feels like someone else’s.

You decided to buck tradition and rail against love, against your partner. You no longer want to be on the same team. How do you come back from this? Do you have the tools or strength emotionally to even try?

You are not doomed to failure. You do not have to be the status quo. So what if you come from a family of failed marriages. You are your own person. Together you are your own team. Your definition of love is not going to fit into some pretty wrapped box. It may get messy and be unscripted and dare I say even …uncouth. That may be your love reality. It is your love story and you are the only authors it needs.

You don’t have to get married because all of your friends are getting married or because you are getting older or because you have been together so long that people consider you being married.

There will be mistakes and hurt feelings and boredom and late suppers and job loss and disagreements from everything from lint in the dryer vent to having the same meal every Thursday night. But we are responsible for our happiness and figuring out how to be content and happy with one another. We have a fabulous communication device built right into our bodies. We have thinking minds, caring hands and noble actions.

We have a brain and heart that run in tandem to one another insisting on what is right and wrong. You have the tools to weigh your options. Walk away if you are angry. Don’t ruin your life with violence and break the spirit of your partner. Remember that sexual gratification can be as little as a twenty second high. So many opportunities for catastrophe can be opened up with infidelity. Is twenty seconds worth ruining years of memories, love and family? We are masters and mistresses of love. Find what works for you both in your marriage.

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Remember that when you make this commitment it should be about the two of you and the future you envision together and are willing to work on together. The party will dim, the cake will be eaten, the food and drink will have long been washed from our collective palettes.

And in the end, after the festivities, the stress of who to invite and who sits where and what shade of green for the flowers….is just you and your partner. Each partner is responsible for 150% of their own best effort in a marriage. Nothing less is worth it and you can do it. You know why? Because on the days when you cannot muster up your 150%, when life may have zapped you with some curve ball as is to be expected, you will have goodness and kindness stored up in the relationship bank that will carry you through those times of  50% or dare I say 20%.  Our human connection, our sync mode, our batman beacon…is love. Keep it on and charged up and activated in your relationship.

Because Love is supposed to always win.


Sh3ba

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By Sheri Thomson I DO Weddings by Sheri PO BOX 780395 Orlando Florida 32878